Shattered

If only there were rules to control the twist of fate, we would never have to wonder how long will a pain last, or how long do we have to suffer before knowing for sure we've lost, for things should be clear and simple, and we all would play fairly…if only!

Is it a crime to look forward when we have barely moved? Or do we have to keep looking around trying to understand what’s keeping us from moving? “Time heals it all” they said, how much time is what they didn't! What if time heals nothing, what if it just complicates things? That surely explains the haze we find ourselves in with no exit. How come they never taught us in school the rules of life? How come we only get the things we fear the most by the law of attraction, yet we can never get the things we want the most?!

Over analyzing and putting old pieces together to save what used to be a good memory from diminution really does nothing to us except draining our powers and sucking the life out of us. Does it really matter if we look back or not anymore? Or is it just a waste of time, since the answer was there from the beginning but we refuse to acknowledge it? The truth is indeed cruel, harsh and ugly, but at least it should give us a peace of mind besides the broken heart; living in the past while knowing for sure it’s gone is just a torture, and all those false hopes and dreams were castles in the sky!

Let the pieces get shattered again, aint no frame to hold them back together.

Having said that, can’t help myself but to wonder... What happened to us?

Death is Nothing at All

Dear aunt..

I know I can't see you anymore..and it aches my heart..I can't have a chat with you or hear a fairy tale from you..I know how painful your journey has been..yet I clearly remember the smile on your face.. forgive us for misunderstanding your love for life..may Allah have mercy on you and may your soul rest in peace..

To those who lost a loved one, grief no more.. for death is nothing at all..as per Henry Scott Holland. 

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.
Henry Scott Holland ~ 1847-1918

The Road Back Home

I never saw myself as one of those who get attached to a place, since I changed schools, colleges and workplaces more often than I change my shoes, yet suddenly, yearning is all I feel. It gets all over me that I can hardly breathe. And as I recall those who get exiled, knowing for sure that my feelings don’t get compared to theirs; the pain of nostalgia remains the same.

It was a heart aching moment when we moved out from our house; though it’s been almost a year, my soul is severely wounded and lost. A part of my soul knows the way and takes the lead while the rest is lost in vain.

I miss watching the sun setting over the golden fields, the lazy Friday afternoons on the roof, the violet roof castle, the jasmine smell from the neighbors’ garden, the eastern valley view from my room, the silence of the street at dawn, and most of all, I miss the road back home!

How long does it take to remember the good old days without crying? How far down the road am I to reach home again? 

No Spring Back

For a very long time now I’ve been trying to get my thoughts together for a decent post to my blog, but what I just realized is that I’ve made my blog a place where I no longer belong; a group psychotherapy! Too many advices that I seriously have no idea in what mental state was I to write them. Where did little miss cheerful go? Have I completely lost myself somewhere between life challenges? Or have I FOUND myself and I turned out to be someone with no hope at all?!

There’s a point where any element on this earth loses its features by reaching; a breaking point for a bending tree takes its life away, exceeding the elastic limit of a spring will deform it to some lousy not so useful plastic, for us humans, that point can be measured with how much crap can you handle. Life is so unpredictable, a restless tornado that ends up only in a desert, where being upset makes no difference, where being lost is normal, where the only difference time makes is getting you older, where small dreams are being smashed just as well as big achievements..all gone in vain. So let’s just say we reach that point where we can never spring back.

To end this properly I must say that I prefer to having lost myself since what’s lost will eventually be found.. hopefully.. one day..

Dark Chocolate

As bitter as my coffee

Something to remember me by

You built a wall between us

I never said goodbye

As sweet as dark chocolate

Second bite is a blast

Shadows of you still haunt me

Never thought I would regret the past

How can I ever blame myself

When you made memories that last

Leaving Your Shore

As much as it hurts to leave the shore.. to throw away all the hopes, to unchain the anchor, watching you leave every time hurts even more.. counting the minutes, hours and days for your return every time.. the thought that you may never come back every time.. the loneliness that kills me every time.. hurts even more. 

It’s so hard watching you walk away while you’re by my side.. so close yet so far away you go and leave me in vain.. but this time.. I promise you..I won’t be waiting for you on your shore.. I’ve decided to walk away too..

Relationship Advice

I am not claiming to be a relationship expert, nor do I believe this term applies to anyone; as a relationship is something happens between two unique individuals having unique characters. We can’t categorize all guys into bad guys and good guys, nor can we say the same about girls; a lot varies between good and bad, and you can’t stick yourself to a specific level on the diagram forever.

A relationship advice can make you lose someone, or even worse; yourself, your dignity and self esteem. An advice in your favor makes you more impatient about "the other", gets you backwards waiting for a move to prove you matter, and eventually lose "the other" since from the beginning, you were so confused that you had to ask for an advice! Same goes for an advice in "the other"’s favor; you move forward when you shouldn’t, you express feelings you should be waiting to discover, and again, lose "the other".

A friend of mine gave me a really good advice about relationships that applies only for girls, which she heard from a guy: “Whenever a guy leaves you wondering about his feelings for you, LEAVE HIM! If he comes after you, then you mean something to him, if he doesn’t, it’s time to wake up!”, and believe me if he doesn't,  just keep walking away, save yourself from the humiliation of being around him waiting for a spark that probably won’t ever happen! 

If it’s not that clear, it never will be..